Baby jealousy!

Needless to say I am always amazed by babies. The ability to adapt, grow, and change so rapidly without the slightest knowledge of why this is happening to you and the bliss full acceptance of your path in life! There is something to be said for a lack of long term memory!

This being said there are pains that come along with learning how to become a social creature. I was harshly reminded of this when I picked my 10 month old up from the church nursery on Sunday.

She had two large scratches on her face! My husband asked the wonderful nursery worker what happened, she said little Miss Ruby had gotten into a fight with another baby over a microphone. I wonder who was jealous of the possession of the illusive microphone? My daughter or the other child and if it was my daughter is she already displaying signs of a bully? Or did she just need center stage for a moment?

I do not know all the details but I do know my child, and I am hoping that this is not a preview of what my life is going to be like! But again, understanding her big sister it would neither shock nor surprise me if she were being aggressive. I also remember being a second child! The road is long to finding ourselves but we must persevere.

Crossroads

I feel, in my lifetime, as short as it has been, I have come to a few important crossroads. You know, choices. The kind of choices that can alter a lifetime.

The first moral dilemma I vividly remember was at age 12! Along with a few close friends I stole a pen from the elementary school spirit shop. Looking back on the whole experience the thing that is most burned into my conscience is not the significance of the crime, but of the punishment. I know that is what all elementary principals are trained to do, but the severity of detention after school for one whole week devastated me! This 6Th grade year was filled with all sorts of dramatic, devastating experiences but none so devastating as this one. I wonder now why?

I wonder if someone would have taken the time to explain the significance of the act of theft, rather than making me pay for what I had done, if I would have made different choices in the years to come? I knew what I had done was wrong, but why was I doing it? A 12 year old has not the capacity to self examine and figure these things out.

Needless to say the years that followed were littered with detentions and visits to the principals office. No doubt to receive the attention I so desperately wanted from the parents who were not there.

I've turned out OK, but I do hope that I can do for my girls what was not done for me. I hope that through my life I can provide some sort of understanding of the human nature. I want them to understand before they do, be knowledgeable of their choices and the reasoning behind them. I want them to know themselves before someone else figures it out for them. I want hem to be happy with who they are and who they will become. Is that too much to yearn for?

Birthdays, HA!!!!

So, I'm sitting here tonight, kids in bed, husband out of town yet again, and I am contemplating birthday's. Mine is this week and for some reason I am always left wanting more after my birthday has passed. Of course, I blame this on my parents.

Growing up in my family, there was always a special emphasis put on birthdays. We had a special dinner and dessert and it was always a celebration of the special day that God decided to present you to the world. This was mainly of my mothers doing, my dad still doesn't like all of the hoopla, but he perseveres just like any good husband should do in the face of such torment. Never mind the fact that in my 10 years of being drug free and learning to deal with emotions and who I really am, I still think this is their fault! How crazy would it be for me to take responsibility for my own disappointment and false expectations. This leads me to this past Saturday...

I was in the back yard doing work in the flower beds and my husband had gone to Lowes to pick up a new light fixture for the kitchen and some mulch. He had been gone a really long time and I was starting to get concerned. Not worried, just concerned that he had veered from the plan I had set forth for him.

So 2 hours later in walks Paxton with a new smoker, the light fixture and a new food processor! He tells me that he bought the smoker for himself for his birthday next month and the food processor for me for my birthday.

Mind you, I LOVE to cook and have been griping about needing a new food processor for months. Mine broke over a year ago! But, I think that there is an unspoken rule about giving an appliance to someone for their birthday! Just don't do it!!!! Especially if that someone is your wife. It wasn't even wrapped. Needless to say I was left feeling less than satisfied.

Over the past few years I have had less than fond memories of my birthday. In 2004 Paxton's grandpa was buried on my birthday. In 2006 we were watching his sister get married on my birthday and nobody remembered, so I got my cards and gifts 2 weeks late after Paxton told everyone my feelings were hurt. And Last year I got one of those edible bouquets with all the fruit. Not that big of a deal except I am allergic to cantaloupe and about 2/3 of the bouquet was just that, cantaloupe. The years in between Paxton was out of town, this year included.

So, I am left contemplating birthday's. Does it just change as you get older? Should I lower my expectations and settle for less than satisfactory experiences? Should all of this change how I approach birthday's with my girls? I think not, I am a glass half full kind of person!! I will not settle for less and I will make my birthday better! If I have learned anything being a recovering drug addict, I control my choices. I am choosing this! I will change my path and take control. Even if I have to go on vacation by myself and get my own gift. I will survive and be happy, even in my mid-30's!

Materialistic? Yes I Am!

So here is the deal, I have always loved fashion. That is a fact. Now I don't always appear that way now that I am a stay at home mom. My wardrobe most days consists of something comfy, with snot or drool attached at the shoulder. Never the less I enjoy dressing well and being trendy when I don't have a kid on the hip! So it would make sense that I would notice these things in other people. I am aware that all the greed and selfishness that comes with fashion is my own, I LOVE to shop and spend money on myself. That also has gone somewhat by the wayside with the passing of my former life. You know, the one in where I brought home some bacon. All this being said I was a small bit offended the other day when someone called me materialistic!!!! Oh by the way, this was at church! I was introducing my husband to a very nice lady that I have come to know through my moms group at church. We meet every few weeks and get to know each other slowly through painful group excercises and potluck breakfast. Even though my gut instinct is to stay away from these sorts of things, I signed up this year and have enjoyed it. This lady is about my moms age and she dresses very well. You know, she always has the whole outfit put together and would never be cought dead in sweats or jeans that weren't pressed. When I introduced my husband to her I told them both that the first thing I noticed about her was how well she dressed. Then she said, with nose turned up , "oh, you must be very materialistic?". I was shocked! I had just been put down, in the chuch foyer, by someone I am supposed to be looking towards for advice and guidence. During the sermon my shock turned to offense. How dare she judge me when she was the one dressed like that. Don't we dress for other people most of the time anyway? So I was thinking, who IS the materialistic one? Anyway, I have come to terms with my materialistic nature and I try to make up for it in other areas of my life. If you know me, you know there is more to me than my clothes. I am OK with that! She can think whatever she wants, but I KNOW that I am materialistic and I still like who I am!

Overwhelmed

So, I know it has been a long time since my last blog but alot has happened. I had to go to Odessa for a funeral. My husbands grandmother. She had been sick for a long time and is now in a much better place with the Lord in Heavan.

It was a very long trip. 7 hours on the road to finally end up at our destination, a crazy house full of grieving nuts! I must say it was a nice visit! We were blessed with only minimal screaming, mainly by Paxton's aunt, tons of funny stories from his Uncle and the girls got more love than they know what to do with!!! That part has been a bit of a challenge since we have gotten home. Anyone who has kids knows about granparent-itis. It's a disease every child gets when they spend too much time with grandma and papaw. But we are so blessed to have them love our children and do so much to help out.

So on the heals of the funeral, getting a puppy and having two kids, I decide I need to have a party for my birthday. Being the wonderful wife I am, I decided to share my party with my husband, whose birthday is only 1 month after mine! The only thing bad about that is he actually has an opinion about it. I never thought I would be challenged about party decor or food by my husband!!!! isn't he supposed to not give a crap about those things, I mean....I'm the girl!!!! Anyway, it is a little overwhelming.

I'm a virgin blogger!

So, this is my first blog ever! I'm not sure what to expect or what to do but I'm hoping it will be theraputic and it will give my husband a break from hearing the day to day ramblings of someone who doesn't bring home a paycheck anymore. I hope to anonymously open up my soul and pour out what is inside. Most days I have alot to say but only a 4 year old, a 7 month old and a Scottish Terrier to talk to. Don't get me wrong, I Do have friends, it's just hard bearing your soul to people that you didn't grow up with. There is nothing like that first friend. You know, the one you grew up with. The one that knows everything about you before you reveal it in words. I've had a hard time finding that since we moved to the city.....five years ago!